Broken Pride

Pride - the subtle yet deadly killer as I would like to call it . . .

I'm not prideful! (Me standing before God, in an utterly gruesome conversation)

I stood before God, determined that I was right for the past couple of months. I stood before God with the mentality that what I had implanted in my head was the right way, and that nothing else would do. Some call it a weird sense of conviction, but quite honestly, this wasn't conviction. When strongly convicted of something, you hold on to it right, but you have a defense for it. But even in your defense, you still opt to hear others out, even though you strongly believe what you may. That's the part that strictly differentiates conviction from pride. Conviction allows for the bearing of others in love, the hearing out others in love, and even the care for others in love. Pride offers the exact opposite. Pride stands on the defense always.Pride constantly has a defensive heart. Pride defends itself on why it is right constantly, but doesn't quite care to hear what others have to say about it, because it must prove it's right in order to constantly prove others wrong.

There are many facets to pride, but I am not narrowing in on the kind of pride that says I am better looking then you, or I can do this better then you, rather I am talking about the other face of pride that most don't see at first glance. The pride that creeps into your heart when you don't agree with something, which then grows stronger when others agree with you on your disagreement. The pride that seeps in when you feel wronged and won't stand until the other person is well aware and wallows in that understanding. The pride that slickly dives into your heart through smart comments of being hurt or past experiences. Pride slowly creeps in and takes root in a small corner of the heart and festers there, waiting to be fed, waiting to be called upon. Once it plants itself, the moment another brings up the idea of being wronged, or the disagreement ahead of you you quickly take the defensive approach. You become the victim. You allow yourself to sit through the constant words, the constant thoughts, the constant ideas of being right, and of nothing else but you being right. Pride grows thicker and so does that defensive heart. The defensive heart grows to compromise caring for another, grows to neglect the love that might be there, and strictly focuses on that idea of being right. Pride.

Due to the fact that the defensive heart is now defending, and neglecting aspects of care, love, and joy, it starts to grow cold. It becomes bitter because it is wronged, and as the victim you must obviously be right. The heart which is now bitter, and not properly being tended too, now becomes numb leaving conversations with God to look more like this:

"I don't care God. This person should understand. I am right here, and this situation needs to be fixed but I'm not fixing it."
"God, my family should understand my heart, I don't care if they don't, I am right here and you need to provide the way."
"God, I don't care if no one understands me, it's not like they truly care anyway, You know that I am right and that this is how it has to be."

Bitter. Angry. Cold. Apathetic. Pride.

Slowly but surely, after months of fighting this battle, the sweet whisper in the wind speaks so softly over this heart. Days of apathy grew into days of feeling and knowing this wasn't right. Days of anger and bitterness turned into days of yearning for the sweet presence of joy. Days of pride turned into days of brokenness.

"God, I can't do this anymore, please help me!"

The last cry I cried, while sitting in my bed reflecting on the months behind me. I picked up the word right next to me, and felt led to turn to 2 Corinthians 3.

I read, and read, and read .... my eyes scrolling through each word even more intently then the last.....

"You are our epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men."

..... my heart, can I say that right now? ......

"clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart."

...... can I really say I am an epistle of Christ at this moment? ......

"we have such trust through Christ toward God"

..... t r u s t ?.......

"not that we are sufficient of ourselves ...... who has made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit."

..... I am not sufficient in helping myself ......

"......the ministry of righteousness exceeds much more in glory. ....... because of the glory that excels ...... for if what is passing away was glorious, what remains is much more glorious ..... "

...... glory, glory, glory, - the displayed excellence of God ......

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."

....... a mirror, what is my reflection right now? ..... I am to be transformed from glory to glory .... I am to be transformed into the excellence of God .... but what is my reflection right now? ......

The mirror shattered right in front of me. The reflection I was bearing was one I could not bear to see. The moment that mirror shattered, the walls around my heart started breaking down. Tears began falling down my face in humility before an excellent God, whose desire is for me to be transformed into His excellence. Sitting on that bed, surrounded by tears, humbled by His desire in me and His promise through His word, I could no longer hold on to what I thought was right and no longer cared about the ability of me being justified for being wronged, my desire - to look in that mirror and see the glory of God reflected.

Pride, it takes time and effort to build up, but the power of God and His word, breaks it down instantaneously.

Now that is a little piece of my story .....