I am nothing

I am poor and needy, yet the Lord thinketh upon me. Psalm 40:17

I just wanna say that i'm an idiot. it wasn't anything that i did that made me realize any of this. it's just me sitting in my room and thinking about what i have and what i don't have. and guess what.. I have nothing.

I dont have anything in this world. none of it is mine. even the extra sleep i try to get in the morning.. it's not mine. everything is given to me from God. and if i truly believe in God, then i also have to believe that He gives all things. i have nothing.

I hate myself. and thats right. that's how it should be. i should hate me. cuz i'm bad, im horrible, im evil. i need to rid myself of me. im despicable when i step in front of a mirror. the worst place for me to be is away from God, cuz i do stupid things and say stupid stuff. sometimes you have to come to a point where you see you have nothing to understand that you aint nobody apart from God.

and I am nobody. I do dumb things. and sometimes the things i do, i dont even think im doing anything wrong until something goes wrong or someone gets hurt. and then it takes people around you to show you, sometimes you think you're not doing anything wrong but you are.

i thought i was good at communicating. that's not true. i'm far from it.

I cant even read people, I only see face value.

I have no gifts. I have no special abilities. I have no special person. I dont even have any money.

so why do I think i'll be alright by myself? cuz i'm an idiot. that's right.

I suck.

GodHonestTruth, there is no good in me.

and any goodness i've ever shown, any small feat ive ever accomplished, it was only because of Him.

I get it, and it's not the first time i realized this, so lets just say tonight is a re-realization. i couldn't even care less that it's 1 am and i've barely finished my paper for class today. i couldn't even care if i didnt get any sleep today. If God wants to energize me for the day, He can do that.

but how the hell do i look at the time and say, nope. no time for prayer because i need to study.

how do i do that? because i suck. why do i think of a million different things to distract me when i try to pray? because i'm not good. why do i get frustrated when the passage i read in the bible doesnt apply to my on-going situation? because i'm selfish and i suck. that's it. i'm a horrible person when i'm happy thampikutty. and i hate it. there is nothing that goes on right in my life when i live this miserable, "me-first" life.

it's a struggle, it really is.

and then on top of that, i think i'm alright. and as soon as i think i'm alright, God says, "you think you're good at that?, well lemme show you someone that's better".

and, "you think you knew how to talk to people?, lemme place this person in your life and show you, you have no clue on how to communicate"

and "you think I'm using you to do good works?", "yeah well, lemme use the simplest person to actually teach you a thing or two".

- i thought i had a thing or two, i thought i was good at something, and i thought i had it made in the shade. WRONG. i dont have anything and i am nobody.

another thing about life, don't open your mouth to talk the talk, if you can't walk the walk. Cuz if you cant walk the walk, dont expect anyone else to either.

I am nobody.. but God is still God. He can use the biggest loser to win the greatest victory. that's God. i can't even do any justice with words to what He could do. all i know is,

I am poor and needy, yet the Lord thinketh upon me. Psalm 40:17

man, I suck, I have nothing, and I can't do anything, but God still considers me valuable. He thinks about me. He knows i'm stupid, but He uses stupid to confound the world, and He uses the weakest to cause the mighty to be surprised. (1 cor 1:27)

I have not much to offer you, not near what you deserve, but still I come because your grace, has placed in me, my worth.